Well...

that's much better.

Goering

...voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

Richard Dawkins

He came out with a great line in his programme on religion.

"The god of the Old Testament is undoubtedly the most unpleasant character in all of fiction"

Fiddling round the edges, and John Spencer

Well I think I've figured it out. I spent a month working kinks, real and perceived, out of my code. Then I ran some simulations which got me some results in a fortnight. Then there was a period of building more tools, and starting simulation runs. That seems to be about it. Building tools I don't really think I need, and doing so slowly.

How crap is that. From now on I'm writing a record of whatever I did all day. However crap. For my own records. Revoltingly honest, and every day. I'll see if it works.

Oh, and Requiem In Pace, John Spencer

The last however long

Well I've been working in France for 3 months. It's lonely and fairly dull. My naive dreams of getting good work done while I'm here have fallen by the wayside, and all I've produced is a ton of crap. I really can't seem to get a grip and do anything. No plan.

The last month I've basically been without any means of entertaining myself. I wound up reading a lot of West Wing fanfiction.

OK, seriously. Where have the last 3 months gone? I'm going to work this out. Further post to follow.

Might as well use this blog for something

.. so I'm going to use it for any cool quotes I hear/read/think of.


"If you take sexual advantage of that girl you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, and people who talk at the theatre." - Firefly

"What a waste of gunpowder and sky." - Aimee Mann

"To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it." - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Filler

To fill in those missing few months, in case anyone gives a flying: I went to Vegas. I spent 5 months with virtually nothing of any value to show for it. Fuck, I'm in a bad mood.

Am I wasting my time and energy? Am I an arrogant fuck who has no real reason he can be anything more than a regular member of society. Losing myself worrying about something for the rest of my life like my Mum has with our family. She's a truly intelligent who seems to now devote herself to worrying about my brother and his inability to get a grip on himself.

Or, am I a potentially great (or at least pretty good) man who has lost himself through his own tendancy not to cause a fuss and unfortunate circumstances.

This is fucking pathetic "great man". Life's in the living retard, and you're not doing any.

Big Gap

Well it took rather more than a week, but this has been abandoned for a while now. I should have realised it would only take one bad experience to put me off. In this case a vast post that got lost in the aether. A few things of note:

Another games night on Tuesday

"Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians"

"Mais ou sont les nieges d'antan"

Blind Willie Johnson

Random happenings and losing it

I just lost an hour long post I'd written here. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Not what I needed right now.

Games night etc

Wednesday was games night. We played Pictionary, Taboo etc until late. A great idea from someone. I suck at Pictionary, rule at Taboo, and am middling at everything else. I wasn't as good at Twister as usual, though flatulence did not help.

I'm putting together a talk to give as a seminar. It's mostly something I'd already given, but I couldn't fight the urge to fiddle. I've still got some work to do, but it's mostly ready. I was also proof reading W's paper, though that's certainly a job I could have done better.

I've got to mention: I've finally been able to watch Sports Night because abc1 are showing on digital in the UK. It's written by Aaron Sorkin who is one of my all time gods because of The West Wing. It's really enjoyable, though there are moments that annoy. There were two today, with a plot that was later repeated in The West Wing (father was having an affair for many many years), and a previously on... that I don't remember seeing before. Bit weird.

The big news is of course Bin Laden. I'm worried this might fuck John Kerry. That would be a tragedy because I really thought he might win. I had allowed myself to dream because the momentum seemed to be with him.

So the fuckwit who ruins our world is allowed to continue to do so because the big bad wolf appears on TV. In Spain the government was kicked out because it was clear they had hidden the truth for their own ends after a terrorist attack and the people wouldn't stand for that. In the US the government misleads strategically for years in order to pull the country in to the war they want. And get 4 MORE YEARS, 4 MORE YEARS, 4 MORE YEARS.

What an awful shame.

Vast gap

I barely even noticed that happen, and it's been over a week since I posted. I guess I was busy over the last week.

I went to the wedding of one of my best old friends over the weekend. It was nice in it's way, and the speeches were funny, but it did serve to point out how far apart we've drifted. He's always been rather religious, but this was a bit absurd. It was the kind of service where, when hymns are sung, it's with the backing of a guitar and drums, and people raise one hand in the air and shut their eyes as they sing. It felt like a southern Baptist church for middle class white English people. Plus everyone thanked God for everything. Take some fucking credit for yourselves!! Geez.

Work's been moderately interesting. We started talking about something someone had suggested, which led to something moderately interesting, where I'm pretty sure W. is wrong. Which is nice.

Two new comments for this beautiful blog. One suggested linking as a way to increase my readership. A very reasonable point, and one that's not been completely lost on me. The problem is that I don't actually read all that much online, except The Guardian and the imdb, and I don't think that's going to do the job. Oh well, I'll have to think about that.

The other one was about my programming hatred. Making the quite legitimate suggestion I should get someone to help. The fact is that I do. W., my supervisor, does most of the programming. I just want to cut the apron strings a little. Plus getting anything from him is something of a struggle against his anal retentiveness, constant fiddling, and inability to simplify. Bless him.

We're starting to run with a theory he might have Asperger's. But that's a different row.

Alone

By myself in the house. It's somewhat lonely, which is a little weird. I'm quite the loner usually, and an afternoon and evening alone was far from rare for me at undergrad, or last year for that matter. But now it feels lonely. I suppose it's because I've grown used to the company.

I can see how this is going to work. Or at least how it's working for the moment. Typically something will happen that I feel a need to write about, then I write about it. This isn't going to be about my work, or any kind of record of my life. That's probably just as well since my life isn't all that interesting and nor is my work. On the other hand I have a halfway witty turn of phrase (I think anyway), and occasionally have something I think is worth saying, so why not go with that?

On that theme, I've always felt that I needed to write down what's great about the quote I used as a blog title. I might as well do it here.

The quote is from Buffy. We watch Andrew telling a story in comfortable study type setting. after a while we hear a knock, and we cut to the reality which is that he's sitting in the toilet with a camcorder. Anya steps in:

Anya: What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like everyone else?
----Cut to credits--------

OK, so a) That's hilarious, if only from a shock humour perspective.

b) Andrew has always represented the writers, Joss said that his conversations with the other nerds were often taken from those between the writers. Anya has always represented the id. Here is the dictomy at it's starkest.

So see, it's a two level thing. And I love that second level now as much as I loved the first when I saw the programme originally. It appeals for the simple reason that I recognise the flaw in me.

I'm really clever. No, I mean really clever. You know that guy who's just clearly smarter than everyone around him? That's me. So I think I have the opportunity to do great things in my field. I really believe that. I think one of the things that's standing in my way is that I waste my time with frivulrous crap including, but not limited to, masturbation.

So that's why it calls to me. Because right there, in a short witty exchange, is one of the central flaws in my character. It's almost an epigram. What is an epigram?
A dwarfish whole,
It's body brevity,
And wit its soul.

Computer programming sucks!

OK, background:

I have never liked computers much. My dad and one of my brothers love them. I like it that I can download TV shows I like and all the porn you can eat, and use the web for research, beyond that I vary between apathy and hatred. Always have.

So, I picked this PhD to do, while ignoring the element of it which requires lots of programing. For most of my first year I got by on a little bit of writing shell scripts, and a little bit of C programming, which I can more or less understand and cope with.

It's pretty clear that I can't keep working like this. I need to at least have the ability to write some basic utilities. As such I'm looking at my supervisors code. Which is in C++.

C++ bites. It was clearly written in such a way as to appeal to the crack addicted or criminally insane. And the terminology!! Jesus fucking H. Christ. I make no great claims as to my command of the English language. Really. But I really do prefer it when you use words in such a way as to indicate what you're trying to say. And would it kill them to use everyday words for everyday concepts.

OK, I've just ordered a new textbook, so hopefully I'll get that relatively soon and it will be a lot better. Not sure it was such a bright idea to spend £15 just because I'm in a crappy mood, but what the fuck.

Network Nightmares

The wireless network at home is being hopeless at the minute, so this'll probably be brief, and may never see the light of day.

OK, here's the main thing for today (ignoring how crap can graduate office staff be without actually joining the Conservative Party). My supervisor, W, was trying to ask something at coffee this morning, and it related to my work, so I had to sit and be supportive while he talked. All I could do was sit there and think "What an arsehole, I could have explained this in about a quarter of the time and done so in a nice way, rather than sounding like a demanding jackass".

This happens with monotonous regularity, and because I'm his student I get the bad impressions it creates reflecting on me. I'm sure the computer people think I'm an arsehole because of his demands. It just ticks me off.

Teaching

Started my teaching duties for this acedemic year. Maths supervision for a reasonably slow group of first years. This involved marking their work, then in theory working through it with them. In practice that's a bad idea. It's virtually impossible to get them to talk, like "pushing molasses up a sandy hill" to quote the West Wing. The only way to approach it is as an effort to point out where they went wrong, and what they should have done.

Also heard from someone whom my work was sent to. She was complimentary, and suggested publishing as an A&A research note (which they don't seem to do) or as a conference paper, suggesting a conference in Flor-ee-da in early November. Not sure I want to do that. Have to talk to W I guess.

Weekend

Got my first comment.

Ok, so it was about my least interesting post ever (imho), but it does mean someone might be reading this. Really didn't expect that. Funny, I have been writing for an audience, kind of, yet I didn't expect one. Don't know whether that will encourage more posting or not. We shall see I suppose.

Not much happened over the weekend which is worth talking about. We had a fairly full house what with E's boyf, D's friend the nutso army guy, and C popping by to pick up answers and hanging around talking about girls. Weird. Especially army guy, who seemed to get all paranoid after a bottle and a half of wine and see "insurgents" around every corner. Apparently quite a smart guy. Guess the army just fucks with you.

Other than that, marking, shopping, reading the paper, watching Sports Night, The West Wing and BASEketball. Not all at the same time.

How the hell are you supposed to do this?

OK, I feel like I ought to put down all the who I am, what I do etc etc stuff that might make it possible for someone coming in from outside to understand this, rather than it just being a diary I keep that just happens to be online. And maybe funny-ish. I guess this comes from reading Bitch PhD and wondering if actually anyone will just happen by this crap at random. If you are reading this, anonymous Dr whatever, I'd back away now. Nothing to see here and so forth.

I suppose this stuff really goes in the personal column, but anyway I'm an astrophysics PhD student in the UK. I act a bit. Anything else I can add as I go along I guess.

OK, that really wasn't much.

Quit with the minutia of my life and stick to the broad ranging stuff that anyone can read and have an opinion of? Well I'm never sure of my opinions, especially about real life stuff. Also I think the minutia is life.

Anyway, today started with an empty office when I got there after 10, and continued with W.'s incomprehension that others might not follow his crap. I can't help but feel that as his student I ought to follow his work on this. Helping, suggesting, improving. Doing something basically. Unfortuately the man has little concept of what a good explanation is and I don't help. It is so easy to smile and nod and let everything drift by. Damn my laziness and his complete absence of socil skills. I'm smarter than everyone around me by a clear head and it hs been of no use for me whatsoever except in the feeling smug and superior stakes.

Here's a lesson for you kids out there. Success in school means diddly. Have more fun, just make sure you can read write and do simple maths.

Whenever I was pushed into doing something as a chore in school it became a chore in my later life. I took no joy in reading until I got to about 20 and went for some Doestoyevsky and Dante, rather than the Dickens, Bronte or Austen that was pushed at me as a kid. I equate exercise with P.E. lssons and being the slowest kid in the class, so now, having taken on the role as the guy who exercises his brain not his body, I never get involved in anything sporty. I took on the role back in school and got stuck with it.

That was a really disorganised paragraph that started out railling at schools then ended out about taking roles upon ourself.

Probably shouldn't write at midnight. Right, change some headers then watch West Wing.

Day 3 in the blogger house

Well Ok, three developments of any interest.

1) New people at lunch. 1st year X-ray people. Seemed OK. Obviously being a guy and single I was immediately looking at them as potential girlfriends. Quoth ESOTSM "Why is it I fall in love with any girl who pays me the slightest attention" Or something like that.

2) I am teaching 1st year maths, so that's OK-ish.

3) Big meeting with W. (not sure about the whole initials thing, could well get confussing, but paranoia is the great decision maker) He made the point this has taken longer than either of us would have liked, but I still let him pull us away from actually talking about anything into talking about fucking coding. Argh. OK. Here's what I'm going to do.

Run simulations as discussed. Not that I pinned him to any fucking thing of course, but let's not expect miracles.

Write a program. Get him to help when I don't understand. Try to use the expression "run before you can walk" as often as possible.

Try to mention relevance at every point along the way, and if I can actually discuss the concept with him then even better.

Look back to s2auser stuff I started ages ago.

Tuesday (well it felt like a Tuesday at the time)

Found out which seminars I'm doing this year. I'm only taking the 3rd year QM, which could comfortably be described as crap. The one advantage is that it leaves me free to stay home for a day or two after S's wedding.

W was being a bit of an arsehole this afternoon. He seemed to be assuming I'm a moron. It is possible that my performance in the 1st year talks has left him feeling threatened. It is much more likely that he's quite the dick.

Keep looking at Stilemedia which frequently repulses me. Weird one.

OK, reasons Quantum Mechanics is crap:

1) It's a ramshakle collection of theories rammed together with little thought 70 years ago

2) People read from it a philosophical perspective that isn't earned by the atrocious vagueness of it's central tenets.

3) Possibly I just don't like the yawning chasm at the centre of the theory because it leaves room for god in physics.

I'll think of more.

Three in one day. It won't last.

OK, so I might as well start blogging. Maybe decide what I want to do here. Should this be some kind of general dissection of life? Concentrate on my research in some way? After all it was reading that thing in the Grauniad that got me thinking about this. Maybe a warts and all picture of my life, hidden by the aforementioned anonymity.

OK, let's go with that last one so as to ensure that I never decide to share this with the world. Could backfire horribly but such is life.

Spent the morning looking at papers on dark matter halos in as broad a way as possible in an effort to find if anyone has ever really looked at the effect of mergers upon the cusp. It seems so obvious that I can't help but feel someone must have looked. After all the models aren't exactly based on collisionless isolated systems.

Since I'm not feeling 100% I then went home.

Why the fuck have the date as the american version on the profile page. That's just annoying. Stupid bloody americans.

A New Hope

I wonder how many blogs there are like this? Mere discarded flotsum destined to float around the highways of cyberspace forever. Not that this one's abandoned yet, of course, but if past form is anything to go by it will be soon. Still, first intentions are to write a sort of blog of my work/life/random thoughts. All with the fun veil of anonimity, with which to disguise my appalling spelling.

First thoughts: sorry to all the porn lovers (and let's face it who doesn't come under that heading) misguided by the blog title. It's a quote from Buffy that I really like and might get round to explaining if I ever get the urge.